Paul Merson admits 'I don't deserve to be loved' as he opens up on feeling like a 'fraud'

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Former Arsenal and England playmaker Paul Merson has confessed how he "felt like a fraud" at the height of his playing career. The Premier League great opened up about how he struggled with the pressures of professional football, which exacerbated his addictions to alcohol, drugs and gambling.

Merson, 57, has spoken in depth about the vices he developed when he was only starting out on his path to greatness. His addictions reached a crisis point in January 1995 when he held a press conference confronting the issues, and around the same time, he was admitted to a rehabilitation clinic.

During a recent episode of the Stick to Football podcast, Merson detailed some of the inner turmoil that stemmed from his England selection. And he found himself conflicted when he was met with acknowledgement after his senior England debut in 1991, despite not feeling it was warranted.

"I don't think I deserve to be loved more," he said. "I didn't play well for England. I never felt that I'd come off the pitch at England and sat in the dressing room after and gone that's how I used to play for Arsenal or Villa or Middlesbrough."

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Merson, who also struggled with anxiety as a youngster, earned 21 caps for his country over a seven-year span but never truly lived up to his club form for the Three Lions. He was first selected for international duty by Graham Taylor, featuring in the forgettable Euro 1992 campaign and England's unsuccessful attempt to qualify for the 1994 World Cup.

Fans know the Merson of today as a charismatic, confident personality from his time on the Sky Sports Soccer Saturday programme. However, he insisted that's a far cry from the individual he was when he first emerged as a footballer, which led to a strong sense of self-loathing.

"I struggled with shyness, and I was quiet," he continued. "It was all right when I was around the lads. I hated myself with a passion. I was playing at the top level. Playing at Arsenal and winning trophies.

"I'd always be the same unless I had a drink, and then I was a bit loud. That's what got me out of being myself is drink, drugs and gambling. They took me away from the way I felt. I never turned up at England and thought, 'I'm here. I should be here.' I always felt, 'I'm a fraud.'"

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After leaving Arsenal in 1997, Merson moved to Middlesbrough and was a League Cup runner-up in his only full season on Teesside. He then spent four years at Aston Villa, where he won the UEFA Intertoto Cup, before helping Portsmouth gain promotion to the Premier League in 2003.

A three-time nominee to the PFA Team of the Year, Merson described his short-lived stay at Portsmouth as "probably the best year of his career." The pressures of playing in the spotlight for Arsenal and England were no more, but he was still surrounded by enough talent to impress at Fratton Park.

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That de-escalation in quality has its limits, however, and Merson found his luck had run out to some extent following a move to Walsall. The high-quality forwards that once made him look good in a No. 10 role were nowhere to be seen, and he eventually called time on his pro career in 2006.

Merson made several lower-league comebacks later in his career, turning out for Welshpool Town and the now-defunct Caerau in separate stints. His most recent comeback came during the 2019/20 campaign when he made several appearances for Isthmian League South Central Division side Hanworth Villa, where his son Sam currently plays.