Nottingham Forest stars reassigned after relegation as Man City win Man Utd battle

It was only after compiling this list and reassigning the players to their future clubs upon their relegation from the Premier League that we realised quite how mediocre this Nottingham Forest squad is save for two or three very fine players.

The cruelty of football means that despite a hugely impressive point at the Etihad on Wednesday, having been two points clear of the relegation zone before kick-off Forest are now no points clear ; above West Ham only on goal difference after Nuno Espirito Santo’s side beat Fulham at Craven Cottage.

We’ve already reassigned Tottenham’s and West Ham’s players in preparation for relegation. It’s not time for the Nottingham Forest lads. No sweat, Mr Marinakis.

They left him hanging at Rio airport after U-turning on his signing and plumping for Mads Hermansen, who like the previous 427 Hammers goalkeepers has failed to comprehensively usurp the nine-lived Alphonse Areola. Next please.

Karl Darlow is genuinely their No.1 goalkeeper. In the Premier League .

A return to the Etihad to replace the royally and reasonably f***ed off James Trafford when he heads for Newcastle a year later than he should have.

Whether Harry Maguire signs a new contract or not , his performances under Michael Carrick, and to an extent under Ruben Amorim, have proven without question that what Manchester United really need is quite a big man at the back to get his noggin on the ball.

Your Maguires and Milenkovics are going to be like gold dust as the set piece-ification of the Premier League continues apace.

Chelsea of course won’t receive the height memo and will sign a 5ft 11in centre-back on the basis of him being a) young, b) expensive and c) of interest to a club in Manchester.

They love a two-footed centre-back and having sold two of them in Dean Huijsen and Ilya Zabarnyi last summer, Bournemouth will likely need another defensive revamp at the end of the season as Marcos Senesi and James Hill are playing too bloody well to be ignored by the poachers.

Might get promoted and used to have Brazilians or at least one particularly famous Brazilian play for them over 20 years ago.

Left Anfield to escape the shadow of a legendary full-back and can return as Andy Robertson’s replacement, sold on the idea of finally starting regular games for his boyhood club when in fact he will probably spend much of his time watching a now up-to-speed Milos Kerkez from the bench.

We’re struggling to imagine a world in which Brentford manage to keep hold of Michael Kayode as a fast, strong and imposing full-back with the long throw of all long throws in his locker. Aina is in essence a slightly inferior and quite a bit older version of the 21-year-old.

Must be seriously contemplating his life choices having decided to take advantage of his breakthrough season for actual Juventus to move to Nottingham Forest , where he was ousted from the team when Aina returned before picking up a knee injury which requires surgery.

He was in the Italy squad 18 months ago and will presumably welcome an offer from any Serie A club. Torino is one of those and located in Turin, Savona’s home town.

How best to spend the £100m-odd they’re set to receive for Adam Wharton in the summer? On five £20m players of course, including a 28-year-old proven-ish at Premier League level to represent a massive downgrade in defensive midfield to aid Palace in their descent into the Championship.

There is no chance City are going to allow Manchester United , Liverpool or others in the market for a deep-lying playmaker in the summer to take their pick of the best amid huge doubts over both Rodri’s fitness and his ability to return to his pre-ACL level.

We are now forever indebted to Dominguez for prompting our search of an online random football club generator to pick landing spots for similarly meh footballers on future lists. We assume the Buenos Aires-born midfielder is thoroughly looking forward to wintering in Moscow.

The Tottenham door is now presumably closed as Xavi Simons was the hapless victim of Gibbs-White’s release clause shenanigans in the summer . Signing Anthony Elanga from Forest hasn’t gone all that well for Newcastle, but Eddie Howe is – in general – one of the great coaches when it comes to improving footballers and will see Gibbs-White as something of an untapped gold mine in that regard.

The place for down-on-their-luck Premier League footballers to get their groove back, or indeed to not get their groove back. It’s a place they go.

He’s been more Arijanet Muric than Cole Palmer on the Manchester City sale regret scale but that feels far more to do with Forest being an utter shambles than evidence of McAtee’s lack of quality.

A year or three in Dortmund to illustrate that quality before a return to the Premier League which he will regret almost immediately as his hiatus will see the English top flight become less football and more the movement of a ball from one set-piece location to another.

Sold on the idea by Unai Emery early in the summer before Aston Villa sell most of their major assets having missed out on Champions League qualification, Emery leaves for a better-run football club and we reassign Hudson-Odoi to Leeds or someone when we do this same relegation list for Villa in a year’s time.

We care about as much about where Ndoye is playing football next season as at least three of the four Nottingham Forest managers this season have cared about having him in their squad. He came from Bologna and they would probably take him back for 50 cents on the Euro.

BlueCo somehow got close to £35m out of Forest for Bakwa after rejecting £30m for a player who has started three Premier League games and featured for a total of 798 minutes in all competitions in his debut season.

Edu Gaspar really is quite sh*t at his job and Evangelos Marinakis siding with him over Nuno Espírito Santo to speed the manager’s departure is looking like an all-timer of a blunder.

Oh yeah, Sunderland. They’ve got quite a few French players.

The logical next step for West Ham having signed innumerable strikers from abroad to not then score goals in the Premier League is to sign one who already isn’t.

We’ve always said Chris Wood is your typical money-grabbing prima donna and in search of the ideal Saudi landing spot for his cash grab we assume him joining Al Nassr will entirely placate Cristiano Ronaldo after he got all upset when Al Hilal got to Karim Benzema first.